One of the hardest things we have to do is watch someone who we love immensely as they become more and more sick when they seem to be doing nothing about it.
In my life, this person is smart and kind, beautiful on the outside but even more so on the inside (cliché I know, but true). Watching her grow over the years has been a very important part of shaping who I am.
But when I see her continually avoiding taking responsibility for her health it creates a divide between us. It is like watching a little child who is tired and does not feel like cleaning up their toys “I am not going to do it!”
And I cannot relate. I do not understand how someone can give away something so precious (their health) for so many years without realizing the consequences.
Because let me tell you (and I looooove croissants), no amount of croissants, pop or a smoke and a tea (which has thankfully lost it’s appeal now) could ever make losing a few years with my beautiful family or missing out on seeing whatever incredible invention is coming next in the world, worth it for me to let my health slide.
Do you have someone in your life like this?
Do they live like their path is already predetermined, like they have no control over whether or not they are happy and healthy or sick and miserable?
Do they often express a desire to do things differently but then do not change a thing either because they are just not ready, too busy or feel that it is all too much?
Do you fantasize about grabbing them by the shirt with both hands and giving them a good shake as you yell “What the hell is wrong with you?”
When she suffers, I suffer.
But over the years, as it has become more and more clear that these are the consequences of her choices of not changing her habits and lifestyle.
No, she does not want to be sick. No, she is not literally asking to be sick. And yes I believe she wants to live a long life. But her actions are building the path ahead of her that unfortunately do not offer a simple short cut back to health. And I would put money on the fact that she is aware of this.
But she does nothing to change it.
Here is one of the most important things I want you to take away from this:
You cannot help someone who is not willing to do anything to help themselves.
I have to keep telling myself this. Because I want so desperately to go over and give her a full schedule to follow that includes what to eat, when to exercise, how to make time for yourself and the people you love, schedule in her visits to the chiropractor…but the fact is, this is not my responsibility. It is hers.
And the schedule will not be followed unless her heart is in it.
Do you hear that?
It is not your responsibility to change your loved one. And the truth is, you cannot change a person who is not ready.
But there are some things that you can do to at least plant the seeds of change. And I am going to share those with you now.
If you have information or resources that you believe can help your loved one get their act together, of course you should share it with them repeatedly. Have a conversation about some great recipes you tried recently or send over a link to a walking club you heard about in their area.
Just be prepared because they will eventually tire of your efforts to help them change themselves. (Although I still think it is worth it if you do it in a way that encourages them, is not controlling or pushy and if you are genuinely offering them suggestions that you think they may enjoy).
But there comes a time when you have to realize that you wanting it more then they do is futile.
Your energy is better invested in continuing to help yourself and those who want to be helped.
The best thing you can do to help someone like this is to deeply understand the following principles of health inside of your own head and heart.
1. You have everything that you need to change your lifestyle.
We are not missing some fundamental skill that only special people have in order to be healthy.
Let your loved one know that they are totally capable of taking simple action steps to move themselves toward a better state of health. Whether it be drinking more water, making time for a 20-60 minute walk a few times a week or making sure that ¾ of their plate is made up of vegetables at each meal, these small steps will have a big impact over time.
2. You have so much control over your health.
No one has predetermined your health outcome. Getting sick is not the body’s natural default (with the exception of the five percent of cases where someone has a genetic predeterminant for disease) or a side effect of aging. The actions you take today will improve your long-term outcome.
3. It is your responsibility to guard your health.
No one is coming to save you. You are the only person who needs to care about your health. If you do not take the responsibility to take care of your health, your burden of illness will fall on others (family, friends and the medical system, which means taxpayers).
Personally, I am happy to help out a loved one who is in need but when that need is due to irresponsibility on their part, I lose patience. It sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.
I really hope that this post helps you to deal with someone you love. I mentioned that I wanted you to understand the principles above. And the reason I want you to understand them more then the person in question is because if you live by the above principles you will
a. set a good example for those around you.
b. be much stronger in your delivery when you try to communicate them.
c. have an easier time letting go of trying to change someone who does not want to change.
I hope you share this with the people you love. Maybe it will wake them up to see the reality of the choices that they are making. And maybe it will not.
And if you ever find yourself in a shouting match because you are sick and tired of watching your loved one wither away (although it is not the ideal solution), good on you for having so much love for someone that you are willing to fight to keep them around. Just make sure to tell them that you are doing all of this because you love them so very much and you want to see them alive!
I can relate.
Have some thoughts? Let me know in the comments below.
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